Self-sabotage is something we all put in place, somehow, in our lives with our own peculiar patterns and strategies. The tricky point in this respect, is being aware or not being aware of it. Awareness on the other hand, doesn’t involve any self-judgement or being harsh with ourselves, but relates more to the ability to understand when self-sabotage is running our decisions in life, by observing our thoughts and behaviours.
Today I want to share with you some thoughts about how to tackle self-sabotage and, eventually, how to breakthrough it.
Why do we do self-sabotage?
Well, self-sabotage is a coping mechanism our mind uses to handle stressful events, feelings and emotions by repeating the very same patterns over and over again. It is also called the path of less resistance. It looks like a preferred auto route that our brain conveys its energy throughout in time of mental distress. It looks like a glitch or a mental virus that once installed runs by itself, without us being fully aware of it.
Coping mechanism can also be described as an “avoidance stuff” that we use not to feel the pain associated to some events we experienced earlier in life.
How do we create our self-sabotage strategies?
Well, this is huge…and our friend Jung probably would agree with us.
So, it happens that, at some point in life, in our first childhood, we experience some stressful situations (i.e. the trigger) where we feel an intense and excruciating pain or a very uncomfortable and, at some extent, new feeling. Usually it happens when we are very young – from the age of 0 to 4 – when the brain has limited experiences and backgrounds to relate to life.
As a result of this event, we experience uncomfortable and new feelings; it can be anger, fear or sadness.
Maybe now you are asking yourself what your triggers may be. Well, usually when you think about them there’s an uncomfortable feeling of unfinished, like something that hasn’t been said or done yet.
Brain in action…
At this stage the brain comes along to help, regardless to the fact that its primary function is merely to keep us alive and survive to external threats. The brain repairs our wound the only way it can: it creates a meaning, a justification, a pattern that can help it, anytime in the future, recognise the threat again, to avoid it. This is the origin of our limiting beliefs: the story we tell ourselves to escape and resolve our uncomfortable feelings.
Self-limiting beliefs & shadows
Usually limiting beliefs are associated, to some extent, to a logical pattern. It can be a cause-effect one: if I do “a” then “b” happens or an identity one: “I am this kind of person”, “I can do this”, “I can’t do that”.
Apparently, they stay latent and silent, which means that we are not aware of them, whilst in reality they run our lives, being deeply rooted in our subconscious mind.
However, there are some precious moments where these beliefs pop up to the surface and they are visible. This happens when we experience the very same trigger that caused the belief to consolidate.
What self-sabotage behaviour is more familiar to you?
Well, there are many of them, with different patterns. However, they are all dependent upon the contexts (they can be different at work or home) and a specific trigger.
1) DISTRACTION
People who do that are always extremely busy, they keep themselves overwhelmingly busy, so they can avoid finishing things. This way they avoid any evaluation and keep under control their fear of judgement;
2) CONTROL
This implies blaming and criticising external factors as responsible of what they experience in life, as well as putting themselves as result of somebody else’s behaviour. They tend to control, influence and manipulate to overcome the fear of feeling powerless;
3) PLEASING
These people say “yes” all the time. By pleasing others they try to fulfil their self-esteem and self-worth as well as avoiding a certain sense of guilt;
4) ANALYSING
Over analysing stuff helps these people keep emotions at a safety distance. They feel dissociated from their body and tend to live in their mind. What do they try to avoid is the fear of being wrong.
In the next post I am going to follow up with strategies on how to breakthrough self-sabotage.
Hope you enjoyed this reading. Feel free to share it with anybody who can take advantage of it and leave your own comments down below.
Help us spread Happiness & Health!
Lots of love, Roberta
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