Open yourself up to the idea that happiness is mainly an inside job and let go of unnecessary beliefs that your well-being is something external to you, over which you have no control at all.

Happiness represents the state of mind where one’s every wish is completely satisfied and therefore to which, ultimately, every human being aspires. However at a deeper look happiness is also a quite multifaceted concept that leads to countless speculations and misunderstandings. The most frequent mistake people make is to identify happiness mainly with external circumstances: “if I had the time, the money, that love, then I’d be happy”.

However, this is not true, at least, not always nor entirely, because happiness is an inner state arising from how we choose to look at the world. A pessimistic, fearful, angry or resentful attitude will not produce elevated nor joyful moods. Conversely, the deliberate decision to look at the world with an open, confident attitude and dwelling with gratitude on what works well in one’s life while working, proactively, on what may need any adjustment, is the best starting point for improving oneself and building a happy mood.

That’s right: happiness can be built as well as you can learn to be happy. In order to do so, the first question to ask yourself is: “what does happiness mean for me, today”? Listen to yourself, as the concept of happiness is highly subjective and individual.

Satisfying basic needs versus finding a life purpose

If we assume that happiness represents the state of mind where one’s every wish is completely satisfied, then we must take into account the very nature of human wishes. There are a few psychological theories that equate the well-being of an individual with the satisfaction of their needs.

Maslow’s theory, for example, has built its well-known pyramid of human needs by putting at the base survival needs – such as nourishment, shelter, rest, etc. – and at the top – ascending in a hierarchical order of greater complexity – the needs for security, belonging, esteem and self-realization.

In the book “Man’s Search for Meaning”, Viktor Frankl – an Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist, Holocaust survivor and the founder of logo therapy (literally “healing through meaning”) – chronicled his experiences as a prisoner in Nazi concentration camps during World War II. Frankl concluded that identifying a purpose in life to feel positive about, and then consistently imagining that outcome, is the keystone to survival, as the prisoner’s psychological reactions are not solely the result of the conditions of his life, but also of the freedom of choice, he always has even in severe suffering. The inner resilience a prisoner has relies on having a hope in the future; once he loses that hope, he is doomed.

So, while the satisfaction of the basic needs is more or less the same for everyone, the fulfillment of these “superior”- needs is a private thing and therefore implies listening to oneself to give a personal, realistic and achievable flavor to happiness.

Personal means that only you know what your deepest and truest desires are, no one else does. Instead, how many times do we feel frustrated and discouraged for not having achieved goals coming from family or society? Going beyond social stereotypes, learning to truly listen to yourself and acting accordingly: this is the first step to happiness.

Realistic and achievable means that, while it is important to know your potential and put it to good use, it is equally important to know your own limits. Setting up unrealistic and unachievable life goals that you do not believe you can attain will only generate unnecessary frustration. Of course, this does not mean underestimating oneself nor giving up on grand dreams: it simply means knowing oneself thoroughly and acting accordingly. And when you believe that your limits can be overcome, work to do so.

Get rid of the perspective where happiness is something that belongs outside of you. On the contrary, acknowledge that it is a path that comes from within you, from the deepest part of you and allows you to choose how to orient yourself in your world.

What steps towards happiness you can take today

1. Learning to stay in the present moment

One of the most common ways to make yourself displeased with your life is either nostalgically dwelling into the past or, conversely, living in anticipation of an elusive future, a far-off day when you will have the time, the money, the love.

This a form of distraction or procrastination that prevents yourself from acting in your present moment, the here and now where all the power – to change what you don’t like and choose what you prefer – is. Here’s a little trick that you can try: replace “I will be happy only when …” with “Today I am happy for …”.

2. Learning to enjoy

Living in the present moment enables you to recognize, appreciate and value the little moments of daily joy (finishing an enlightening book, having a good chat with someone you haven’t seen for a while, starting a new professional project) and therefore enjoy what you are been living. Sometimes, because of habit or education, we neglect the importance of celebrating our success. Celebrating alone or with others does not mean bragging or showing off, instead, it helps us crystallize positive moments and produces a long wave of well-being that lasts in time .

3. Learning to say your yes and no

Do you realize that you tend to assume always the same role? For example, you may notice that in your family you are the one who takes on commitments and responsibilities and makes sacrifices that, in time, end up with messing up your own happiness. If acting this way did not work out for you, chances that it will do so today or tomorrow are very slim. So, train yourself to identify the dysfunctional pattern before it gets triggered automatically, learn to listen to your limits and say no before wearing out and depleting yourself too much.

4. Stopping the critical voices

How can you feel happy when you blame yourself for being wrong, inadequate, dissatisfied? Whether they come from your own mind or from people around you, continual devaluations are toxic elements. Be aware of your internal dialogue, change the tone you talk to yourself and do not let in personal attacks or non-constructive criticism. The more you pay attention to this, the more it will become clear to you which people you want to surround yourself with and, conversely, those who you’d want to keep at distance as they are sending you back an image of yourself that you don’t like: do a good clean up! Selecting pleasant life companions is essential to ensure that the “journey” is fun and rewarding.

5. Dreaming big, building small

Ambition is a great source of energy and motivation. So how can you foster your ambition avoiding demotivation?

First, identify an existential purpose, by leveraging your strengths and skills. Second, picture a path that leads step-by-step to your goal, so that commitment and gratification are well balanced.

Hope you enjoyed this reading. Feel free to share it with anybody who can take advantage of it and leave your own comments down below.

Help us spread Happiness & Health!

Lots of love, Roberta

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