Overcoming the so called “negativity bias” in relationships is the cornerstone that opens up to all concerned the opportunity to access a completely new, more expansive and comfortable experience. Stay with me while you picture this very familiar situation. Imagine scripting a perfect day with your partner. You set out on a hike on a beautiful Sunday morning, take a dip at a refreshing waterfall with no one around, snack on the fruit salad and sandwiches you prepared together, and – feeling connected and energized – you head back home. And then one of you says something. Maybe your husband says, “Why can’t we do this all the time?”. While the words alone might seem innocent enough, you hear something else. You infer from the tone his “never-ending” complaint that you work too much. Suddenly, the adrenalin and cortisol pump through your veins and you react, “Maybe we could if I didn’t have to work so much to pick up your slack.” In a flash, THAT moment defines the day. And after a few more choice exchanges, that moment defines the next few days as you both retreat into bitter silence.
Humans have what is known as a “negativity bias.” In short, the bad stuff outweighs the good stuff. We gravitate towards and dwell on the one thing that did not go well rather than the five things that did go well. It’s all too common for this negativity to consume our relationships and distort our thinking. In committed relationships especially, compliments dwindle and tones get harsher. We become less forgiving and loving and more critical and shaming. The charming blemishes we may have embraced early on transform into glaring character flaws.
We now know something about the origins of this sensitivity to the negative: any negative message – words, tone, facial expression – triggers our survival drive and that triggers our anxiety. When we are scared, we automatically protect ourselves by withdrawing from the scene or countering with a putdown. And that makes everything worse. Because of this, often couples are unable to see beyond what their partner is doing wrong. They are stuck in this negativity bias (anxiety about what might happen to them) and have one goal in mind: to have their partner “see the light” (of all their wrongdoings) and “be fixed,” oblivious to their own contributions.
This is where the power of intentionality kicks in. We need to strengthen the intentional muscle in order to override the reactive muscle. One way to do this is the appreciation process. Appreciations help us slow down the reactivity by engaging the prefrontal cortex, the part of our brain which regulates anxiety. Focusing on what your partner is doing right can be very powerful. The more you focus on the good, the more good there will be to focus on. Energy follows attention. Here are some tips:
- Be mindful on what’s going well in your relationship and on what your partner is doing right. This not only includes what you say to your partner but how you think about your partner. Thoughts magnify the experience.
- Make a list of everything you appreciate, admire and love about your partner. Include everything from physical attributes to personality traits to behaviors. Continue adding to the list regularly.
- Every day share at least three appreciations from your list or something you noticed that day. Tell your partner what you love and appreciate about them. Start by saying, “One thing I appreciate about you is….” And deepen the appreciation by sharing, “When you do that, I feel….” This ritual of appreciations can transform relationships. A hidden benefit of this rule is that we can discover many wonderful things about each other.
Most of us are guilty of falling into the trap of negativity. It can, at times, take an enormous effort to use the muscles we so seldom used. It’s much easier to be reactive and negative. It’s much harder to be intentional and positive. At least at first. Once we overcome the ingrained bias, like any atrophied muscle, intentionality becomes stronger and automatic. Appreciations flow. Relationships thrive and we begin to identify each other as a source of pleasure once again.
You can also read the article @ artoflivingretreatcenter.org/blog/
(by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D)
Hope you enjoyed this reading. Feel free to share it with anybody who can take advantage of it and leave your own comments down below.
Help us spread Happiness & Health!
Lots of love, Roberta
Discover more on the Programme – Take a look at the Products & Free Previews – Visit my author page on Amazon – Join us on Facebook and Instagram
*****
About the Authors
Harville Hendrix Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt Ph.D. are internationally-respected couple’s therapists, educators, speakers, and New York Times bestselling authors. Together, they have written over 10 books with more than 4 million copies sold, including the timeless classic, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. In addition, Harville has appeared on the Oprah Winfrey television program 17 times! However, marriage—even for marriage experts—is never easy. Just like any other couple, Harville and Helen experienced a power struggle where they attempted to change, coerce, and threaten each other to be “more like me”. A critical comment would degenerate into loud arguments. Blaming each other was a common focus of conversation. Harville and Helen co-created Imago Relationship Therapy to promote the transformation of couples and families by a creating relational culture that support universal equality. In addition, they’ve developed resources that help couples, families, and educators strengthen their relationship knowledge and skills. They are the co-founders of Imago Relationships International, a non-profit organization that has trained over 2,000 therapists and educators in 51 countries around the world.
